Sometimes I feel small. Small and ugly and insignificant.
Small. Satan is very smart. He knows I’m seeking after the Father and is aware of how he has swayed me away from following God in the past and how it’s not working anymore. So now, in his attempt to win, he throws at me guilt. Guilt. My mind can picture and retrace all of the sins I have commited against Christ. And my heart breaks. That’s conviction. I love the Lord so much and to hurt Him, well that makes me want to cry. The problem with this is I’ve already repented and been forgiven and though I can still see the picture of crime in my mind, God can’t. It’s so hard for me to fathom that. And Satan is a sneaky fellow. He places these images in mind at night for me to relive over and over. And so many times, I cry myself to sleep. The Father of Lies, who told me that sin would be so good is now telling me how horrible I am because of it. And I feel small and empty and worthless constantaly. What twisted evil. Can I just say Satan is a jerk! He begins telling me that I don’t deserve this anymore because of that or that I’ll never be enough because of what I did then. And so many other things. But this is when I open God’s word and see truth. That no one on this earth deserves anything. We and our flesh are flithy, there’s not one bit of good inside of us unless we have Christ. And that price that Christ paid on that Cross is a gift that we could never earn. Even our good deeds are flithy rags in His eyes. It was He’s love for us and He’s grace. And when I see this truth I know that guilt is not of Christ only grace, only love and it’s enough.
Ugly. There are so many things you can tear yourself up over on your body and face. It’s so easy to look in the mirror and feel you don’t measure up. I feel like I’ve felt this way my whole life. I’m sure a lot of girls do. It’s hard sometimes to believe your beautiful, especially with the world telling you, your not quite there yet. So let me honestly tell you what I see in the mirrior when I wake up: my nose is too big, my skin is just plain ugly, my abs are hidden behind extra skin that shouldn’t be there, my legs are the painful to look at, my hair is hideous and i’m not as pretty as (insert name here). It’s a never ending cycle of telling myself that I don’t measure up. And now I want to slap myself in the face and anyone who agrees with me because the thing is I just stood in the mirror for ten minutes and said, “God, your work is awful.” How wrong is that. Did the God of the universe took the time to think of me and create me just to hear me say that His creation was ugly? I don’t think so. God, the King of Kings is entralled with my beauty. “Listen, O’ Daughter, Don’t miss a word. Forget your people and your father’s house. The King is entralled by your beauty; Honor Him. For He is your Lord.” Psalm 45:10-11. My body is a gift from God. He created it the way He did for a reason. And I’m grateful for His gift. You look around and you think there’s no way I can complete, she’s smarter, she’s prettier, she’s better at that then me. But here’s some good news: The God who slung the stars across the heavens, whose very breath gives life, that God, the King has always been taken with you. He thinks you’re goregous. When God looks at you, He sees all the beauty He created. He sees every potential. Every gift. Afterall, you were His idea!
Insignificant. I find myself wanting to making a huge difference for Christ, a difference that has nothing to do with me, only the humbling fact that God chose to use me as a tool for His mighty work. And though it is encouragement, sometimes being around so many people who have the same desires and talk with such wisdom and seem to have it all together can be intimadating and can make me feel insignificant in comparison. Which, I know is foolish because God can and would love to use everyone, no matter where they’ve been and I can remember being that girl that everyone thought had it all together when I was crumbling inside so I know it’s also false to think that someone actually does. But Satan is crafty and wants me to believe that I can’t make a difference but if we hold to God’s truth He will use us in a mighty way. My heart is truly yearning for the Lord but I feel like God would be better off using someone else that I see yearning for God, someone ”more Godly” and that is so dumb of my mind to think. And that is why I am not God. “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than earth, so are my thoughts higher than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8-9. I hold to the promise God has a plan for me. A wild plan, that’s all to do with Him! I know His word is true, and I also believe as it goes on in passage 55 that “so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but it will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose fo which I sent it. You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace.” 55:11-12. I pray that God will take me and destory this insiginficant feeling that Satan is attacking me. For I know God’s word and promises are not left empty and will be fulfilled. I must continue to seek Him.